She saves me
by Keagan908
Summary: Dark thoughts (depression). Happy Ending. No real time line a couple of episode details may be smashed together. Perhaps a little out of character at times. Still had a good time writing it.


_**Disclaimer:**_ **So you know how this works the characters aren't mine. No money involved no infringement intended. The only thing I came up with is the story. First time I have posted a story here so constructive criticism is welcome. As for a rating: There are dark thoughts but no real violence and just a chaste kiss so whatever the rating is for that. Thanks for taking the time to read and ultimately this is what happens when a grad school student needs a break from life! OH just FYI the italics are internal thoughts and all mistakes are mine b/c no beta! :) THANKS!**

 _She saved me. She always does_. Jane sat on the cold concrete ledge of the bridge watching the dark river water swirl below her.

 **Three weeks earlier:**

Jane sat on the floor of her apartment clutching a near empty Jack Daniels bottle and the postcard Frost had sent her a few days before his accident. Tears flowed freely from her dark eyes, her chest sore from crying so hard for what seemed like hours. Slowly the tears subsided and she could feel the cold from the floor seeping through her jeans, doubt and pain beginning to cloud her mind and numb her heart. _Why does everything and everyone I love get hurt? What is it? What did I do that is bad enough to deserve this? It's all my fault, all of it. Hoyt hurting Maura, Frankie getting shot, and Frost….It's all MY Fault! I am the common link in all of it. All I do is cause hurt and pain. I can't do it anymore. I may deserve it but they don't! I won't hurt the people I love anymore._ The tears began again as she shakily rose to her feet and began making her way clumsily toward her room. Jane knew what she had to do. Distancing herself from her family would kill her, sure she would still try and be there for holidays but just enough to keep them off her back. Avoiding Maura and leaving her behind would be devastating. For so long the beautiful medical examiner had been her anchor and somewhere along the line, not really sure when, she had fallen for her. She would never tell her best friend though there had been many times she had wanted to. Now more than ever she thought it was all for the best. It would make it easier to let her go, less complicated. Setting the bottle down on her dresser she unceremoniously shed her clothes and flopped on to her bed. Closing her eyes as the room spun around her she made the decision to begin building the walls that would not only protect her heart but would hopefully allow her to protect the ones she so desperately loved. Tomorrow would be the beginning of a new Jane.

Monday morning Jane texted Maura that they would be unable to ride to work together. As she entered the bullpen Frankie and Korsak sat at their desk studying their computer screens, business as usual. "Morning Janie." Frankie looked up as his older sister walked in. "Morning." She mumbled as she sat at her desk without their usual sibling banter. Frankie raised his eyebrows in silent question at Sergeant, a shrug from the older man his only answer. After a morning spent mostly in silence and noncommittal grunting, Jane heard the elevator chime its arrival and the unmistakable clicking of heels along the floor. Janes heart leapt in her chest. Quickly she stood grabbing her jacket and began to walk out the door. Vince watched her walk towards the door. "Lunch." She growled as she entered the hallway to make her escape. Unfortunately, in her haste to runaway she almost literally ran into the medical examiner. "Hi Jane." Maura smiled up at the tall woman. "I brought those results that you asked for." She held out the report. "Great. Just give them to Korsak. Thanks." Turning sharply on her heel she swiftly walked away leaving a confused Maura behind. Hazel eyes followed the detective as she disappeared in to an elevator. Korsak looked up from the report he was working on as Maura stepped up to his desk. "Hey Doc. What can I do for you?" She held out the lab report to the detective. "Jane asked me to give these to you." She glanced worriedly toward the hallway. "Something wrong Dr. Isles?" Vince followed her eyes. "Is there something bothering Jane?" She tilted her head to the side as the detective sighed deeply and folded his hands on his desk. "To be honest I'm not sure. She almost snapped Frankie's head off for just asking her if s*he wanted coffee this morning. Since Frost's .." he shook his head and looked down at his papers his eyes saying what he couldn't put into words. Maura's heart ached for him, for all of them really. "She just hasn't been the same lately which I understand, but the past few days she seems really different. It's more than just Frost, she's getting worse."

Instead of eating, Jane chose to change and take advantage of the BPD's gym. She hadn't had much of an appetite lately anyways. This time of day there were not many people in the gym so it would give her the time she needed to release all of the pent up frustrations. With every punch to the bag a little more emotion and pain was released. The more her hands hurt the less her heart did. It never lasted though, it was only a temporary fix allowing the walls she had built to become stronger and any vulnerabilities, namely Maura, to be fixed or forgotten. She punched faster, harder, as the faces of her ghosts and those of her family and loved ones collided. Her attention was brought back to the present when her wrist gave way and bent painfully in the wrong direction "Damnit" Jane shook her wrist as the pain shot up into her elbow. She wiped the sweat from her forehead and unwound her hand wraps as she heard the chirping notification of her phone. Pulling it from its holster she saw a text message from Maura. **Are you ok?** Jane's heart clenched as she pushed the delete button without replying. _It's for the best._ She shut her eyes and leaned her head against the cool concrete wall. Stretching her hands open wide she felt the familiar stinging of her scars, opening her eyes she looked at her hands and noticed the small cuts, swelling, and bruising that was already starting to appear. _This is gonna be fun to explain._

 **2 weeks earlier**

For the next week Jane managed to avoid most everyone. Always using work or other excuses to avoid invitations to the Dirty Robber and ignoring all text messages claiming something was wrong with her phone. Now, she sat in her dark apartment in front of a television that wasn't on and drinking…alone. Jo Friday was at Korsaks as she had been since Frosts funeral. It was a good thing because she deserved more than Jane could give her right now. The phone rang loudly against the silence of the apartment. She ignored it. Maura hung up the phone her concern growing. After numerous failed attempts at contact by texting and calls she was feeling very troubled. How could her best friend just ignore her? Why was she pulling away? How could she leave her alone? Lost in her thoughts Maura didn't notice the Rizzoli matriarch enter through the guest house. "Hey sweetie." Angela set about putting away groceries. When no greeting was returned she looked up from her bags to see the honey blonde curled into the corner of the couch biting her expensively manicured nails. "Maura." No answer. "MAURA!" The doctor jumped only just then realizing that there was someone else in the house. "Hi Angela. Sorry I was just..." Angela interrupted her smiling "You were just worrying. What's wrong?" Maura's face scrunched together. "What makes you think there is something wrong?" Angela smirked and fought the urge to roll her eyes. "Because the only time you mess-up those expensive manicures you get is when your upset about something." She pointedly looked down at Maura's hands as the doctor's shoulders slumped and she gave a frustrated sigh. Angela moved back towards the kitchen and Maura stood to follow her. "So, come on. What is it?" The Italian woman raised her eyebrow in question. "Alright, its Jane. I'm afraid something is really wrong with her. She's not returning any of my messages or texts. She really doesn't talk to me at all. All of our movie nights have been cancelled. She doesn't even go to the Dirty Robber any longer. I see her at work but she only interacts with others if she has too. I am just really worried, I lo…." Angela knew what it was she had stopped herself from saying and shook her head minutely. _When are these two actually going to get their stuff together and admit that have feelings for each other._ _These two will be the death of me yet._ Angela turned from the refrigerator to find tear filled hazel eyes staring back at her. "Hey" she moved around the kitchen island and pulled the doctor closely to her. Normally, Maura would have shied away from the intrusive contact but right now it felt like it was exactly what she needed. "It will all be okay. Jane just needs some time." Sniffles came from Angela's shoulder along with a small childlike voice. "Are you sure? I don't know what I would do without her." Angela hugged her a bit tighter. "Yea, I'm sure. Jane just doesn't process things the way we do. Give her some time." Maura took a deep breath and pulled away. "Okay, but I can't promise how much more time I can give her." Angela smiled and held out a tissue for the hurting beautiful young woman.

 **One week earlier**

Jane sat at her table an empty beer bottle and the transfer form in front her. She had tried keeping her distance from those she cared about but it was beginning to wear on her soul. The disappointing looks from family, the hurt in the beautiful hazel eyes of the M.E. she loved when they passed in the hall or at a crime scene. After a few more texting and calling attempts Maura had finally given up. On one hand Jane was happy about that, on the other her she had never felt more alone. _Isn't that what I wanted?_ Her brown eyes filled with tears. It seemed all she did these days was cry. She hated it. She hated the vulnerability, the pain, and in truth she hated herself. Grabbing the pen that had laid taunting her by the unsigned transfer form she violently signed her name. _There it's done. Once and for all. I will be gone and they will get the peace they deserve. I can start over. Just me, a new city, no attachments, no one to care about._ Friday she would give the request to Cavanaugh and by the end of the month she would be gone. Grabbing her wallet, jacket, and keys she left the dark apartment disappearing into the cool night.

Maura had tried to be patient. Before she was worried, now she was angry and worried. It had been almost a month and Jane had grown more despondent. Just from the few times Maura had seen her at BPD she could tell she wasn't sleeping or eating well. There were dark circles under her eyes and her clothes were beginning to hang more loosely from her body. After conferring with Angela about her concerns they had come to the conclusion that Angela with Frankie's help would attempt to intervene. All of their attempts had been met with resistance and stubborn anger. "Fine! If she doesn't want to be around me anymore so be it, but I won't sit by and watch her slowly kill herself." The Beacon Hill home was empty besides Maura's tortoise Bass and he seemed only interested in his strawberries. Maura grabbed her things and headed to Janes apartment with a fierce determination.

Quickly Maura parked her Prius and made her way to Janes apartment. She knocked gently at first and when no answer came she knocked louder. "Jane? It's me Maura!" She felt immediately silly for making the statement. Jane would know it was her. "Please Jane, I need to talk to you." After a few moments of waiting Maura found her emergency key but was surprised that the door easily opened without her turning it. _That's odd. Jane never leaves the door unlocked._ "Jane?" She entered the apartment with the feeling that something was off. All of the lights were off except a single lamp by the table. Immediately she saw a stark white sheet of paper with a pen laid across it. Her heart immediately jumped into her throat at the idea of what that paper could mean. With a deep breath to calm her anxiety she quickly made her way to the table and examined the form. _She's going to leave? Leave us, all of us? How could she even think of doing this? It will kill her family. It will destroy me…_ Immediately she felt nauseous. The thought of losing the one person she loved more than anything caused her to be on the brink of panic. She sat on the couch and attempted to gather herself. In true Maura manner she began to analyze and think _. Ok. This isn't going to happen. I can't allow this to happen. Where would Jane go? People that are hurting usually go to places they find familiar, comfortable, and safe. Not her mothers, not the Robber. Her car was in the lot so it has to be a place within walking distance. It's worth a shot._

Maura stood, shoved the transfer form into her purse and immediately left the apartment locking the door behind her. She remembered Jane telling her once that there was a bridge nearby she loved the view from, that's where Maura was hoping she would find the woman she loved. The night was growing cold and so she chose to drive the short distance. As she approached her headlights illuminated a human form sitting on the concrete ledge feet dangling dangerously over the side and a dark head bent watching the swirling dark river below her. Next to her was a half-filled whiskey bottle. Maura pulled over and set her hazard lights retrieving the form and folding it neatly into her pocket. Jane knew who it was by the clicking of heels and the hum of the engine. She picked up the bottle next to her and took a long drink as Maura approached slowly.

"Why are you here?" Maura could tell by the slight slur that she had been drinking for some time. "I was concerned about you. We all are." Jane shook her head. "You shouldn't be here Maura. Just go." Maura felt her anger rise. "I'm not going anywhere Jane Rizzoli not until you explain yourself." Jane turned her eyes to Maura who now stood only an arm's length away. "What is it exactly that you want me to explain?" The doctor narrowed her eyes. "Let's start with why you are out here in the dark and cold sitting on a ledge drinking, or how about why you are asking for a transfer, or why you planning on hurting your family and me?" Her voice that had been angry and loud now was a mere whisper. "Why Jane? Why all of this?" Jane could feel her fists tightening on the concrete ledge. The whites of her knuckles showing. She turned her body and slung her feet back over the ledge to the street side, much to Maura's relief. "You want to know why Maura? It's because I can't do it anymore!" She was shouting now. "Can't do what Jane?" Maura was very confused now and she could feel a few rain drops begin to fall. "I can't hurt the one's I love anymore. I can't protect Frankie, Ma, Korsak, Frost, you!" Quickly she grabbed the whiskey bottle and threw it as hard as she could in to the river. Maura could only watch. "I couldn't stop Frankie from getting shot. The only thing I could do was shoot myself hoping that would allow you to save him. Just doing that I caused more pain to everyone. I couldn't save myself from Hoyt and now Korsak carries the idea that he should have gotten there sooner to save me, but the truth is I failed and he has to live with that. I couldn't protect you from Hoyt. Every day I see the scar on your neck and every day I relive that moment. The only reason that I didn't give up is because I wanted you to live. If you had never come into my life you wouldn't have even been involved with that maniac or anything else that has happened to you." Jane sat roughly on the sidewalk and put her head in her hands, her dark curls falling around her face. "and then Frost…He didn't even want to go…I insisted he go." Janes tears fell fiercely and freely.

Maura felt tears streaming down her cheeks watching the strongest woman she ever knew crumble before her. "Jane." Maura sat down next to her the heartbroken detective. "all of those things happened but are in no way your fault. If nothing else, you saved us." Jane sniffled and gave a disbelieving grunt. "What I have I don't Maura that was so bad that those around me would be hurt? Can't who or whatever is in charge up there just take me and leave all of you alone. I just want you all to be happy and safe, and I can't give you that, not while I am around. That's why I have done all of this. I tried distancing myself thinking that if I just pulled away that everything would be manageable, but it's not. The disappointment and hurt I could see, especially in your eyes…." Jane looked over at Maura and saw nothing but love and understanding. "Well, everyone deserves better than me…. you deserve better." Maura thought she heard more in those words than what the detective had actually said. Jane took a deep breath and rubbed her eyes and temples. She stared at the dark street beneath her feet not able to look Maura in the eyes again.

Maura took a minute to think and reached out to Jane pushing a dark curl behind her ear. "You know I used to think you were smart but now I am seriously reevaluating those thoughts." Jane gave a stifled chuckle. Leave it to the genius google mouth to kick her while she was down. "Do you really think anyone of us would willingly let you go without a fight? Each of us carries our own burdens about the situations that we have found ourselves in. The one constant thing is that we always come through it together. We face everything together. We are stronger together." Jane tossed a pebble she found to the center of the thankfully mostly deserted street. "Tell that to Frost." Maura sighed. "Detective Frosts accident was just that…an accident. His death is hard for all of us especially you. I don't understand completely what you must be feeling but I know that he wouldn't want this for you. He was happy you insisted he went and he was even more happy and proud that he could call you his partner. He loved you Jane. We all do." Jane said nothing her head resting on her hand her eyes still on the street. "I can't speak for everyone Jane except to say that they all love and care deeply for you. As for me I can honestly say that I have never been happier to have someone like you in my life." Maura stood and leaned against the bridges ledge facing the river. Jane looked up and watched as a breeze softly blew her honey blonde hair away from her face. Slowly, she stood and joined her noticing the trails of the tears Maura had cried. "Please don't cry Maura. I'm really not worth it." Maura turned and raised her voice. "Do you really not understand?" Jane stared at the small doctor with wide eyes. "You were going to leave me. I would be alone again." Jane interrupted "That's not true. Ma, Frankie, they would all be here for you they love you." Maura shook her head holding her hands up by her sides. "I love them too Jane, but I love you more!" She dropped her hands. "There I've said it. I love you Jane. So see, you ARE worth it. You are EVERYTHING to me." Jane stood completely taken aback by what the medical examiner had just said. _She loves me? How can someone as perfect as her love someone like ME?_

Maura turned around and hung her head when she heard no reply. Jane may not feel the same way but at least now it was out in the open. Beginning to walk back to her car she felt exhausted and drained. It was only then she heard her name being called softly. She turned around not expecting to find Jane so close to her. "Maura, did you say you loved me?" Maura nodded her head. "You love me more than just a best friend?" Maura patience was wearing thin. "Yes Jane, that's what I mean. I have for a long time and if you are going to leave or detach yourself from my life, I thought you should know." Jane stepped close enough that she could feel the doctors body heat. With her left hand she reached up and gently grasped the M.E.'s chin asking her to look into her eyes. "I do too." Gently their lips touched both a little chilled from the night air. They pulled apart and Jane was lost. Maura was her anchor every doubt, feeling, or thought she had clicked into its place and she realized that she would need her always. Jane gave a shy smile and pulled the shorter woman to her. "I can't promise I won't mess up or hurt you, but I can promise that if I do I will do whatever it takes to make it right. I'm a little messed up and might need some help. Think you can help me with that?" Tears fell from her eyes, only this time it was more of the happy variety. Maura looked up and smiled, "I think I might be able to assist you with that." She reached into her pocket. "What are we going to do about this?" Jane recognized the paper as the transfer form and took it from her. The detective walked to the ledge and tore the paper to pieces and threw it into the wind. Maura smiled as Jane walked back towards her. "Well, I guess we should go. You better drive though I had a little too much to drink tonight." Maura quietly chuckled knowing that the situation had caused the detective to become pretty much sober, it was more likely that Jane just didn't like the Prius.

 **!Thanks for reading! Keagan**


End file.
